Hall of Awesome: Worst Movies of 2007

I know, it's not very awesome, but this is my chance to riff on some truly bad movies I saw this year, and God knows they deserve it. Also, I refuse to see dreck like Norbit and Epic Movie, so don't bother commenting on why they aren't on my list. So, without further ado:

1. Flanders (dir. Bruno Dumont)
   As a film student, I frequently find myself defending some really difficult movies, ones that mainstream audiences simply aren’t meant to see, much less comprehend. “I know Drawing Restraint 9 doesn’t make any sense, but it’s so fascinating to watch!” “Give Old Joy a few more viewings. I’m sure you’ll come to love it!” Then there are films that are simply not worth defending. I have tried to come up with a reason why the 2006 Cannes jury decided to give one of their highest honors to this film, especially since the jury consisted of such great actors like Samuel L. Jackson, Helena Bonham Carter, Tim Roth, and Zhang Ziyi. For Flanders, director Bruno Dumont decided to conjure up the most depraved, indifferent, and downright horrible people he could find…and then make a movie about them. When a character isn’t walking down a road, or through a forest, or across a field, or through a war zone (there’s a lot of walking in this film), they’re either raping someone or getting raped. Or exploding. Maybe if Dumont made us genuinely care about these people, I would’ve been more receptive. But it seems his intentions are to make us hate these people in the beginning, downright despise them in the middle, and ultimately not to give a fuck what happens to them by movie’s end. Even though the screening of this film was free, I felt as if a part of my soul had been taken from me by the time the lights went up.
   
2. Spider-Man 3 (dir. Sam Raimi) / Shrek the Third (dir. Chris Miller) (tie)
   As far as sequels go, Shrek 2 was halfway decent and Spider-Man 2 was pretty damn good. But both of them are Empire Strikes Back-quality when compared to their god-awful third chapters. For Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi decided to forego the usual plot development and story arcs in favor of an extended montage of Tobey Maguire hopping around like a fucking idiot, all while alienating the cardboard Kirsten Dunst in a subplot that somehow got bumped up to the main storyline. Even when we actually focus on the superhero stuff, it’s pretty pathetic. Sandman and Venom aren’t handled with nearly as much attention and care as Alfred Molina (Doc Oc) and Willem Dafoe (Green Goblin) were in the previous two films. I’ve always said that a Spider-Man film is only as good as its bad guy, and with two mediocre ones (not including James Franco as an amnesia-suffering Hobgoblin, and whatever that black alien ooze is), this third entry in the franchise just may be the last. Oh, and the same goes for the third Shrek movie. Anyone could’ve told you you’re making a big mistake when you cast Justin Timberlake as a main character. And the way the filmmakers use “Immigrant Song” is unforgivable.
   
3. Lions for Lambs (dir. Robert Redford)
   I’m sorry; I’m usually not this mean to movies I get to see for free, but I have to speak up about this one. Initially, I described this movie to friends as “Crash with politics,” but the problem with this comparison is that I actually liked Crash the first time I saw it. The reason I dislike Robert Redford’s new movie so much is that it’s one of those films that hits you over the head with its message, even though it’s murky as to what that message is exactly. Redford tries to criticize the Republican machine, but also dilutes that criticism by frequently blaming us for our lack of involvement. Not even Meryl Streep can save this film from stumbling into an incoherent jumble of liberal rhetoric and holier-than-thou posturing from poli-sci professor Redford. This is the guy that did Quiz Show, right?
   
4. Bug (dir. William Friedkin)
   This might have been a better movie if I had seen it in a different context, but I doubt it. Hopelessly misleading blurbs and plot descriptions dotted the DVD box for this film, leading me and my friends to believe we were about to watch a gripping horror film about bug infestations. How wrong we were. Ashley Judd gives a pretty impressive performance, but how hard is it to act like a fucking lunatic, especially when there’s another lunatic onscreen (Michael Shannon) who’s acting even crazier than you are?
   
5. Fracture (dir. Gregory Hoblit)
   Speaking of lunatics, Anthony Hopkins has made a career out of playing them. Every time he appears in a movie, I have a sneaking suspicion that someone else in that movie is about to die. In Fracture, Hopkins once again plays a kook, hell-bent on killing his wife and, more importantly, getting away with it. The audience finds the loophole that will incriminate Hopkins long before bland D.A. Ryan Gosling does, and the excellent Embeth Davidtz (Junebug) is sadly underused as Hopkins’ wife. The real crime is that the filmmakers tried to mix Silence of the Lambs with “Law & Order” without realizing that the crime that occurs onscreen could’ve been solved by Jodie Foster or Jerry Orbach before we even cut to commercial.