War of the Worst

Before I start the next part of the Hall of Awesome, I just want to say I saw a commercial during “The Daily Show” for King Kong and the song they had playing in the background? It was “Fix You” by Coldplay! I mean, I understand you gotta sell this movie to the ladies, but don’t get Chris Martin to do your dirty work for you! Instead, just pepper the ad with clips of Adrian Brody. Easy.

Alright, let’s get it on! Today, we’ll venture into the dark, musty attic of the Hall of Awesome for a segment I like to call: The Drawer of Disappointment!

Worst Movie of 2005:

• War of the Worlds
  Apparently, people must’ve been calling Steven Spielburg a pussy for not making any movies with bad aliens, ‘cause he pulled out all the stops and made the most blatant reason for putting everyone on Zoloft. War of the Worlds was the most depressing film of the year, featuring human beings meticulously slaughtered and harvested by aliens in nearly every scene, and when a scene appeared without aliens, it usually involved angry mobs fighting over a working automobile or having Dakota Fanning stumble across a river of corpses when she’s trying to find a place to use the bathroom. Now, some people were telling me that that’s the whole point of the movie, that it’s intended to be depressing. I don’t have a problem with movies that are depressing (Mystic River, for one). What I do have a problem with are movies that constantly repeat its initially-gripping first scene over and over again, each time in a different locale, each time with the same result. Not even Tim Robbins (who, oddly enough, was the best thing about Mystic River) could regenerate interest, especially since Spielburg gave him nothing to do, except to be quickly killed off by Tom Cruise. It’s not like Spielburg had been hitting a snag. On the contrary, Minority Report and Catch Me If You Can are two of his best films, and if Munich gets released before the end of the year, he might be responsible for the worst and the best film of 2005.

(Dis)honorable Mention:

• Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
  I think I’ve figured out why I just plain don’t like the new Star Wars trilogy. Look at the original films and notice how the main characters are loners, outcasts, and if they are royalty (like Princess Leia), they are so only by name. Now look at the new films. They’re about queens and princes who have pretty much everything, except dialogue that audiences would find interesting. George Lucas took the blandest of actors (and if they weren’t bland, like Ewan MacGregor, he gave them enough bad dialogue to make them bland) and made them stand in front of a blue screen as he had his effects team working overtime devising new and amazing things to have happen around the actors. Episode III took us full-circle, making us, as an audience, realize how far Lucas had strayed from his original vision. The film’s final scenes say it all. We almost sense Lucas hurrying in the last few minutes to quickly tie up all the loose ends, like a college student penning his graduate thesis ten minutes before its deadline. What made the original Star Wars movies good was the fact that Lucas knew what his limits were. Now his library of special effects is unlimited, and his films, sadly, are worse off for it.

Alright, the worst music of 2005 and the best new artist are coming up!