Why I Hate Job Applications

1. There is no universal format. One application may ask me for a list of references, while others just ask for my previous places of employment. There is no way to anticipate what will be on any given application.

2. They force you to write mad small. One application asked me for the address to my last job and gave me this much space to write it in: ____________. Maybe I could fit the zip code in there, but not the entire address. 'Course, if you write too small, no one at the job will be able to figure it out and you won't get hired.

3. Almost all job applications ask you to describe your duties in your previous occupations. Now, I can see why this might come in handy for some positions. I would probably have to explain what a "Customer Service Clerk" is to people not familiar with this doublespeak term for "bagger." But some positions, like "Cashier" or "Waiter," are pretty self-explanatory.

4. A lot of them ask really gay questions, like "Why do you think you would be a valuable asset to blah-dee-blah-dee-blah?" I don't know because I DON'T WORK HERE YET. One Starbucks application asked me "Why do you enjoy coffee?" and I wrote down "Like an alarm clock, coffee is that jolt that gets me up in the morning. Plus, it tastes better than an alarm clock." True story.

5. There is nothing more fun than asking for an application, filling it out, and handing it back to the manager, only to have her glance at it and say "Sorry, we're not hiring at this time."